Monday, December 04, 2006

Afraid

I'm scared. Petrified really. It's that deep down fear that keeps me glancing over my shoulder. I hear a noise, a movement and I have a mini panic attack until I realize it's only the wind. Or a car.It reminds me of a scene in a horror movie. She calls her husband and says, "I am NOT ok!" That's how I feel. I am not ok. Everything is wrong and I cannot handle it by myself. I AM NOT OK. But that's not really an option. I have to be ok, and hold it together because I don't have any other choice. But I'm terrified.

I had a friend whom I had helped out when he was going through some hard times. Somehow I got sucked into this cycle of helping him over and over again. It was never ending and it exhausted me. A few months ago I started the process of eliminating him from my life and in the last two months I've been very honest about what I was doing. I told him that I wanted him the fuck out of my life and I never wanted to see him again. Pretty straightforward right? Apparently not so much.

That was the point where things really started getting screwy. He's become obsessive. He calls me every ten minutes for hours on end. He leaves abusive voice messages. He show up at my work. I'll be driving down the road and see him in my rear view mirror. He shows up at my apartment all the time. And since I won't answer his calls, or open my door, or even talk to him at all he's getting angrier and angrier. And I'm getting more scared.

And I can't do a damn thing about it. Sure I could get a restraining order and piss him off and by the time the cops found out he broke it, I could be dead. After I had taken his key to my apartment away he kept showing up and coming inside. Now as far as I know, he no longer has a key. I believe I've gotten all the copies back. I'm sure if he had one he would have come inside by now. Though I'm still getting my locks changed anyways.

I think what scares me the most is that he doesn't seem to understand in the slightest that his behavior is inappropriate. I did a little bit of research on stalking and one thing it said was that stalkers will objectify you so they can hurt you and not feel any empathy towards you. That's scary, because he does not understand at all that he's creepy and scary. Instead he blames me because I don't answer the phone. He's made me the focus of all this anger and placed all this blame on me for his own mental inadequacies and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Of course if I wind up dead the cops will be happy to investigate it then. Woohoo. Even though I'm dead I can rest in peace knowing that our government is diligently working to prevent gay marriages from occurring. Stupid mother fuckers. Or maybe I should say, stupid religious mother fuckers. They hide behind a facade of morality and use their positions to pursue their own religious agendas and not give a shit about the real issues in today's world. Although I would like to point out, if they were being stalked, every motherfucking agent in this country would be investigating it. Hypocrisy. It's one of the things that pisses me off the most.

Anyways I could bitch about our government for days but that'll never change anything. I'd rather bitch about this stupid fucking stalker. I morph between terror and pissed off hatred. I've thought about it and I really don't think I could shoot him even if I had a gun. But I could sure as hell kick the shit out of him. So self defense classes here I come. I need to advance beyond just the basic self defense I have now. But even that doesn't take away the fear. I had to walk my dog at 2:30 AM and all I could think about was what if he was in the shadows? I had my keys in one hand and cellphone in the other but that still doesn't take away the fear.

It's the never knowing where he'll show up. The constant phone calls. The jumping at every little sound I hear. I'm as agnostic as can be, but sure enough I constantly say, "Dear God, please don't let it be him." It's almost 3 AM. I'm gonna try to grab at least a couple hours of sleep before the cycle starts again.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!

Horny has been my middle name lately. I finally finished all my meds, (including the last few days, which I flushed down the toilet) and my sex drive has come back in full force. Not only full force, it has every intention of making up for all the good times it lost this summer. I'm craving sex, and not nice soft lovemaking either. I want it hard. I want to be fucked and tortured. To end up with tears streaming down my face, with the agony of it all. I have this insatiable desire to be used and abused. And as fate would have it there is no one available tonight to use and abuse me. So instead I sit here with my clothespins and my porn. I have to catch up on all the lovely Kaya's porn which I've missed lately. ;)

My taste is running to the brutal and deeply sadistic tonight and my fantasies would make grown men cry. I watched Hellraisers too and if that doesn't lend to inspiration, I don't know what would. Unfortunately it's not satiating my craving but simply feeding it. Tonight I would beg for the privilege of being hurt. Funny though, when I want it there's never anyone to give it to me. Yet when I'm getting it that's not when I want it. The irony of it all.

Making everything worse is this dilemma I have. There's this girl that I really like. Now I've never even considered myself bi. I'm straight, I just play a little bit. But with this one, it's more. She's adorable, cute, smart and funny. She has that intelligent geeky look, which I love! I love glasses on a person. Mmmm. She's perfect. But . . . I have no clue if she's even the slightest bit interested in women. I've opened my mouth a million times to ask and then I hesitate. I've never asked out a woman before. I've asked out guys and I've been with women. But I've never actually asked one out.

It's a dilemma to be sure. I would hate to make things awkward between us but I'm simply dying to ask. I'm crushing big time here. Hmm, what to do? Plus to make the situation more intriguing, one of my best friends and I have been hinting around and letting things almost lead to that point. With her it would be with both her and her husband, which I would love to do. But we joke, and talk, and then withdraw. Who knows what's going to happen there. And all of this little drama is only succeeding in making me even hornier. Grrr. I could go pick a guy up off of the street and bring him home to rape me right now. ;)

Right now, my pulse is pounding, I have this crazed needy look in my eyes. I'm sure I broadcast my need for sex loud and clear at this point. Maybe I should just go for a walk in the dark. Or to the bar. Anything will work. Chatroom anyone? Or else I'll go back to my search for vicious porn and my clothespins. Somethings gotta work . . . .

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Hell Week

Once a year my family loses absolutely all common sense and we take a family vacation together. I have a large family and they all have different viewpoints and no one can concede gracefully. It's a battle to the last. Why we do this every year I have no clue. I think it's our attempt to seem like a normal family. But there's nothing normal about us.Our picture is under the definition of dysfunctional.

Every year I go home and I swear to myself that I will come up with an excuse for the next year. But after all that time passes I've already forgotten most of the bad stuff and somehow have convinced myself that it would be a good idea to go again. I had to have been mentally unstable when I made that decision.

My parents have never kept it a secret that I am their biggest disappointment. They disagree with my life choices, my career choices, and god forbid they ever found out about my sexual choices. They had a plan mapped out for my life and instead of choosing that I chose to become a nurse and do my own thing. I turned out as a competent, intelligent adult who is a contributing member of society. Shame on me!

I'm tired of being shamed. I'm proud of who I am and where I am in life. I supported myself since the day I turned 18 and I managed to put myself through college and find a job to continue to support myself. I'm in the process of furthering my education. I managed to get my feet back under me after a nasty separation and can hold my head high because I did not stoop to dirty tricks. I'm self sufficient, independent, and a good person. But in their eyes all they see when they look at me is FAILURE.

And I get to hear about it for a whole week. How nice.

They invited my ex to come along on vacation and got upset with me when I said he could come for a day but I would be somewhere else. They screwed around and misled both of us and it's turned into a nasty situation. I'm not sure if they were trying to play divorce counselor or what the hell was going on, but I do not appreciate it.

It's only been one day, and I'm already tired of the little comments, the jabs, the digs that they're so good at. This might be the family vacation that I don't make it through.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Giving it up.

It was cool outside when I left work this morning. It makes me think of fall and winter. I love this part of the year. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I'm going to try to go up north to be there for the early snows. I only like the first snow of the season and then of course on Christmas. Other than that my Florida blood is too thin and I freeze to death.

This time of year makes me introspective. I think a lot about where I am and where I want to be.It's not that I'm unhappy in my life. I am. I'm quite content, but I don't want to be in this same spot forever. There's too much that I have planned to do. Life's too short and my goals sometimes seem to big for this little bit of time I have. I want more, I always do. Even when I finally get what I want, I'm still thinking about the next thing I want to have. The next place I want to be.

For some reason, I always have to go harder, deeper, farther than I am right now. It's this constant urger to keep moving. Sometimes I almost panic thinking about how short life is and how little time I have left. I'm only 24, I shouldn't feel that way. My friends often tell me this is when I should be irresponisble and young. But I can't. I have too many responsibilities to simply pretend they're not there. If I try to ignore them, they insinuate themselves into my dreams. Irresponsibility is not something I've mastered.

Perhaps that's unfortunate.

There's more to this mood that I'm in than just discontent or needing a change. It goes soul deep I think.

My goal was to become limitless, to be completely open and free to whatever N wanted. And I did. In quite some time, he's not come up with a scenario that I've said no to. But in all this, I've come up with one major limit. And that's N. A spanking from someone else hurts. It's just pain. But far more excruciating pain from him is sweet torture that keeps me quivering on the edge of my seat, wishing for more. Bitch sounds harsh from another's lips but from his it's the sweetest thing he could say.

Now that I'm here. Now that I've achieved this ability to be limitless for him, what's next? The things that I would truly give up for him, he doesn't want. He doesn't have the time or energy for a second slave and I know that. I want to beg, to tell him I'll be happy with breadcrumbs. I don't need much. But I clamp my lips together because I know it's not true. It's more of an investment than he's able to make. But it leaves me lost, clinging to this shattered goal.

What's the point anymore? I can take pain from others, have taken pain from others. But it's not the same. It's not his fault. We both knew from the beginning what the stakes were, and we both chose to play the game. I haven't been disillusioned. I walked into this with my eyes wide open. But now I think I'm not as big of a girl as I thought I was and I feel a little lost in a scary world.

What do you do when you give up all and find there's no one there to take it?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Back Online

I'm still here. I've been around off and on reading a few of ya'lls blogs when I've had time but otherwise just staying to myself. It's been rough the last several months and I got tired of simply bitching and whining in all my posts. Things are getting better now though. I think I'm finally starting to get over all of this bronchial/sinus/pneumonia shit. *Crosses fingers* Hopefully anyways.

I'm still a little depressed and my sex drive is pretty much dead, but the doctor tells me as I finish the meds and start feeling better everything will go back to normal. Orgasms have been few and far between around my place.

I am also cancer free! Woo hoo! After a false positive which was a huge scare, I've had several negatives so I'm all good. Just harmless little cysts. No chemo, no hair loss, no side effects from it. I'm very happy.

Now that I'm feeling better I'll be starting all my daily tasks again which should put me in a much better headspace. I've missed them. I think I've missed living life. I've missed the whole summer and I really hate that. Normally I spend all my spare time outside but I haven't even been to the beach this summer. That is a crying shame. But I have plans to rectify that. ;)

I've been writing too but mostly just for myself. I might post a few stories and I do have plans to type up and send out part 2 of The Act. It's just going to take a little bit of time. For now though, I'm dragging my tired ass to bed.

*Sighs* It's good to be back.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Men!

Most men, the men I know, the men I meet, don't understand me. I attract nice men. Men that want to date me, to marry me, to have children with me. I don't attract men that want to beat me, to use me, to force me. No, not at all. I scare the men I know. They consider me intense, a freak, they've never met anyone else like me.

How do I explain me? How do I explain that being controlled and used makes my cunt drip? That degradation and humiliation fit me so well? That the words useless whore make me want to kiss his feet in gratitude for the attention he shows me? How do I say I need this, I crave it? It's not abuse, it's simply proper use of me.

It's a part of me that I cannot change and I have no desire to? Could I live without it? Of course I could. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Would I be happy and fulfilled without it? No.

In this place where I am being controlled and used is where I feel the most at home. To take pain simply for no other reason than because he wants to hurt me. To cum at his whim. To cry for his pleasure. To exist for him. It's a place I belong. I can't explain the why's of it. I'm not even altogether sure that I understand it myself. But I know the rightness of it and that's all that matters. As long as I'm being true to myself it doesn't matter if it's "normal" or not. Normal is highly overrated.

Take what you want without asking for my permission. Use me any way you please. Ignore my cries of pain and tears. Be in control, in charge. I need the intensity of this. The severeness. I don't crave soft and gentle. The fuel of my fantasies is not sweet lovemaking. It's being pushed and tested. Tortured and denied pleasure. Used and abused. It makes me wet and dripping and absolutely needy. And horny. Oh so horny.

Why is this so hard for men to understand?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Hurt me. Own me. Take me. Shame me.
Use me. Cut me. Beat me. Abuse me.
Humiliation. Tears. Blood. Sweat.

Unrelenting hardness.
Coolness in the voice.

Pain. Desire. Fear. Love.
Agony in my soul.
Pleasing. Approval.
Good girl.

Flashing in the eyes.
Steel in the touch.

Humiliation. Degradation.
Object. Cunt. Whore.
P.O.S.W.

Enjoyment on the face.
Laughter in the voice.

Flying. Floating. Peace.
Escape. Warm. Pleasure.
Fulfillment.