I had a friend whom I had helped out when he was going through some hard times. Somehow I got sucked into this cycle of helping him over and over again. It was never ending and it exhausted me. A few months ago I started the process of eliminating him from my life and in the last two months I've been very honest about what I was doing. I told him that I wanted him the fuck out of my life and I never wanted to see him again. Pretty straightforward right? Apparently not so much.
That was the point where things really started getting screwy. He's become obsessive. He calls me every ten minutes for hours on end. He leaves abusive voice messages. He show up at my work. I'll be driving down the road and see him in my rear view mirror. He shows up at my apartment all the time. And since I won't answer his calls, or open my door, or even talk to him at all he's getting angrier and angrier. And I'm getting more scared.
And I can't do a damn thing about it. Sure I could get a restraining order and piss him off and by the time the cops found out he broke it, I could be dead. After I had taken his key to my apartment away he kept showing up and coming inside. Now as far as I know, he no longer has a key. I believe I've gotten all the copies back. I'm sure if he had one he would have come inside by now. Though I'm still getting my locks changed anyways.
I think what scares me the most is that he doesn't seem to understand in the slightest that his behavior is inappropriate. I did a little bit of research on stalking and one thing it said was that stalkers will objectify you so they can hurt you and not feel any empathy towards you. That's scary, because he does not understand at all that he's creepy and scary. Instead he blames me because I don't answer the phone. He's made me the focus of all this anger and placed all this blame on me for his own mental inadequacies and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Of course if I wind up dead the cops will be happy to investigate it then. Woohoo. Even though I'm dead I can rest in peace knowing that our government is diligently working to prevent gay marriages from occurring. Stupid mother fuckers. Or maybe I should say, stupid religious mother fuckers. They hide behind a facade of morality and use their positions to pursue their own religious agendas and not give a shit about the real issues in today's world. Although I would like to point out, if they were being stalked, every motherfucking agent in this country would be investigating it. Hypocrisy. It's one of the things that pisses me off the most.
Anyways I could bitch about our government for days but that'll never change anything. I'd rather bitch about this stupid fucking stalker. I morph between terror and pissed off hatred. I've thought about it and I really don't think I could shoot him even if I had a gun. But I could sure as hell kick the shit out of him. So self defense classes here I come. I need to advance beyond just the basic self defense I have now. But even that doesn't take away the fear. I had to walk my dog at 2:30 AM and all I could think about was what if he was in the shadows? I had my keys in one hand and cellphone in the other but that still doesn't take away the fear.
It's the never knowing where he'll show up. The constant phone calls. The jumping at every little sound I hear. I'm as agnostic as can be, but sure enough I constantly say, "Dear God, please don't let it be him." It's almost 3 AM. I'm gonna try to grab at least a couple hours of sleep before the cycle starts again.